October 5th, 2020

Apologies! Your web browser lacks required capabilities. Please consider upgrading it or switching to a more modern web browser.

Initializing. Please wait…

body { background-color: white; color: darkgrey; font-family: Futura,Impact,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 125%; }

You wake up and find your toddler "reading" in her bed. Like most mornings, you warm up waffles and let the little one feed herself. While she eats, you sit at the table drinking your coffee. Do you [[read the number of covid-19 cases in the US|US1]] or [[check the covid-19 website for your University|Uni1]]?

You check Twitter and you see reports that covid-19 rates spiked over the weekend. The reporting is murky, but you infer that your University is at the center of the spike. Your phone dings

<<set $sick = ["yes", "no", "no"]>><<set $testpositive = $sick.random()>> You and your partner argue. It is truly infeasible to leave the baby with the sitter who may have been exposed. But it is also infeasible to take the day off, so you agree that they will drop off the baby. You are still a little unnerved from the argument but you are grateful that they are flexible. You say goodbye, grab your bag, and [[head to campus|campus]].

<<if $career == "new">>You pack your lunch and dinner and as you are about to say goodbye to your partner, they remind you that the babysitter's mother tested positive for covid-19. You had completely forgotten. Do you [[suggest to leave the baby with the babysitter|babysitter]] or [[suggest your partner stays home|home]]. <<elseif $career == "old">>You pack your lunch and dinner and as you are about to say goodbye to your partner, they remind you that they have run out of their nausea medication. You had completely forgotten. Do you [[pick it up on the way to campus|pick up]] or [[order it online and hope it arrives quickly|order]]. <<endif>>

<<set $sick = ["yes", "no", "no"]>><<set $testpositive = $sick.random()>>You and your partner argue. It is truly infeasible for either of you to take the day off. Luckily, their office is more flexible and they are permitted to work from home today. You are still a little unnerved from the argument but you are grateful that they are flexible. You say goodbye, grab your bag, and [[head to campus|campus]].

You hope your dorm-mate didn't see you in the elevator. You have a hard time navigating the trek to class. Your wheelchair positions you lower than everyone, so all their spit and exhalation will land on you. Everytime someone speaks you wince. You finally make it to class and go to your seat. You're not sure when the last time they cleaned the tables was. Do you [[grab hand sanitizer|sanitizer]] or [[just wipe your hands on your pants|wipe hands]]?

<<set $elevator = "open" >> You feel bad, so you keep the elevator held open. You realize that your dorm-mate is not wearing a mask. You try to hold your breath for the whole elevator ride, but you can't. You feel free when you finally get out of the elevator. You have a hard time navigating the trek to class. Your wheelchair positions you lower than everyone, so all their spit and exhalation will land on you. Everytime someone speaks you wince. You finally make it to class and go to your seat. You're not sure when the last time they cleaned the tables was. Do you [[grab hand sanitizer|sanitizer]] or [[just wipe your hands on your pants|wipe hands]]?

You pick up the hand sanitizer and go to pump some onto your hands. <<set $handsanitizer = ["yes", "no" ] >> <<set $handsclean = $handsanitizer.random()>> <<if $handsclean == "yes">> Whew! There was a little left. <<elseif $handsclean =="no">> Uh-oh. The bottle was empty. No hand sanitizer for you. <<endif>>

<<set $handsclean = $handsanitizer = "no" >> You worry since you touched the door handle on the way in. You don't know when this table has last been cleaned. Now you're going to touch your phone and your computer and your notebook. You also are constantly touching the wheels of your wheelchair. You really hope that you haven't come into contact with any covid-19 carriers.

Your peanut butter and jelly sandwich is enough, but you miss being able to eat warm, homemade, pumpkin soup in fall. After lunch, you want to get started on some manuscript edits. [[You don't have time now.|commitee meeting]]

<<set $aggressivestudent = "yes">> You motion to the student to put on a mask. They aggressively suggest that you should stay home if you're so worried. You turn back around. Your friendlier neighbor motions for you to ignore it. Or at least that's what you think she did. You actually can't hear a word she is saying. You look around the room and notice some students are [[using their laptops.|laptops]]

You don't want to get in a confrontation. You just pull your mask tighter and hope you'll be okay. Your friendly neighbor motions to the other students who are using [[laptops]].

You both take out your laptops to try to co-edit a Google doc. You try to hone in your focus so that you can read her comments. You have a hard time because your laptop is so old. You realize that you forgot your laptop charger: since you don't usually bring your laptop to class, you don't usually carry the charger with you. You've been working like this for 20 minutes and your professor finally winds her way through the classroom. each question takes longer for her to answer because no one can hear each other over the shouting: tables are so far away from each other you have to shout to talk to your neighbor. You see that she had to get dangerously close to the group of students with no masks. She is standing very far away from you and you try to shout. She motions to look at your laptop, and just as she does. Your laptop [[dies]].

Your professor looks genuinely sad. She asks if your neighbor can rotate her computer screen. Your neighbor does, but the plexiglass screen that sits between you on the table is distorting the graph: you wonder if the sharp dip is real or is a distortion. You nod, pretending that you understand. You'll look it up later when you get home. You and your neighbor are struggling: she doesn't know that you stutter, so she keeps interrupting you. Without your mask on, she could see that you are trying to talk, but you don't want to risk that. Your neighbor is getting visibly annoyed with you. You start to get overwhelmed. You feel the walls are closing in, your pulse is racing, you can't breathe. Your stomach starts to hurt. Your Crohn's disease flares when you're stressed and you have been very stressed lately. You start to panic. Do you [[leave the room to get some air|leave room]] or [[stay and start crying|stay]].

<<set $classroom = "leave">> You decide to leave the classroom. You consider going to the bathroom but you worry that there are too many germs there. You just [[leave|online class]].

<<set $classroom = "stay">> You decide to stay. You start having a panic attack. You grab a brown paper bag from your backpack and start breathing into it. You must remove your mask to do this. Everyone is staring at you. You manage to calm yourself down after a few minutes and return to the lesson. Before long, class time is up. You collect your stuff and head back to your [[dorm|online class]].

Your next class is a large lecture class so it's online. You go back to your dorm and plug in your laptop charger. You open your computer and Twitter pops up. You see a video of another Black person getting killed by the police. That person could have been your brother, or your friend, or you. You see the anti-police-violence protests are happening near your home in Atlanta. You've already lost two family members to covid-19 and you're aware of the racial disparities in outcomes. You are sick with anxiety for your community, your family. You sit for a few minutes and just [[cry]].

You log into your online class and at least you can leave your camera off so no one can see your puffy face. After class, you close your computer and reach over to take your [[anti-depressants]].

You realize in all the stress of coming back to campus, you forgot to refill your prescription. The pharmacy has limited hours and is already closed, so you’ll have to skip it and hope you don’t experience brain zaps like you did last time you missed a dose. [[You cry yourself to sleep]].

When you wake up, you head over to the pharmacy to get your anti-depressant prescription refilled. You notice that they are offering free covid-19 testing. You remember the recent Trump administration ruling that health care can be withheld from trans folks. You wonder: if you test positive, will you be denied care on the basis of your trans identity? You worry, but you don't want to be unknowingly passing the virus to others. You [[get the test]].

<<if $handsclean == "no" >> You test positive. You start feeling brain zaps from withdrawal from your anti-depressants. You definitely need to see a doctor. You think about how this semester could be [[going...|conclusion]] <<elseif $handsclean == "yes" >> Whew, the test is negative. You grab your prescription and head back to the dorm. You start feeling brain zaps from withdrawal from your anti-depressants. You think about this semester could be [[going...|conclusion]] <</if>>

You grab your prescription and turn to head home. You start feeling brain zaps from withdrawal from your anti-depressants. You look up and it looks like that person from your class. <<if $aggressivestudent = "yes" >> They were mocking you in class yesterday. They're still not wearing a mask.

You raise your hand. Your professor motions that it will be a few minutes. She's trying to answer other questions, but each question takes longer than usual due to masks and social distancing. While you're waiting, you look around. You see that a neighboring student is not wearing a mask. Do you [[motion for the student to put their mask on|mask on]] or [[pull your own mask tighter|own mask]]?

It is October 1st, 2020. Data suggest covid-19 is spiking in some areas of the US, yet many universities have decided to remain open for face-to-face classes. You have been on campus for three weeks. You are one year shy of tenure at Most Distinguished University of the North. Thankfully, your University paused tenure clocks but funding in biology was already tight, and you are worried. You and your family in China are constantly checking in. Your new baby is only 8 months old and they want to video chat with the little one constantly. You also guess that they want to check in on you. They know that your arthitis has been flaring and you are at higher risk. It is nearly the end of the week and you are trying to push through. You wanted to teach all your classes online. Instead, this is your day.|feed baby

You wanted to take all your classes online. But the Board of Trustees met and decided that residential instruction was too important. So the Chancellor wrote a nicely-worded letter about the importance of students to the University. And the Deans Tweeted about the teaching mission of the University. And the Department Chairs have measured 6-foot distances between chairs in classrooms. And the Professors have altered their active-learning plans. And the Graduate Student Instructors have not been consulted. For the good of the students, they won't let you take all your classes online. But what about you? Resources and guidance: Accessible Campus Action Alliance: [[Beyond "High Risk":Statement on Disability and Campus Re-openings|https://sites.google.com/view/accesscampusalliance]]

Just one day. Another one.

Created by Cait S. Kirby [[Website|https://caitkirby.com]] [[Twitter|https://twitter.com/caitskirby]]

You worry about what this means for your students. University policy requires that they are tested every week, but you wonder if the swabbing is all for show. Some of your students have expressed discomfort with the levels of surveillance. You agree with them. The new University building protocols require that you leave for your lecture 30 minutes earlier than usual to account for the screenings to enter buildings. Before covid-19 you would only pack lunch, but now you must pack dinner because you are also teaching in the evening. The University set this schedule to minimize high-volumes of students in a single place at a time. It has mostly minimized your contact with your baby. Your partner takes the baby and you pack your meals|meals.

After a 30-minute wait in a socially-distanced line to enter your building, your temperature is measured, you are asked if you have had any covid-19 symptoms, and then you are given a badge. This feels like a violation each and every time. You look to the Other Building Named After an Old White Man and see that students have been waiting so long to get into their dorm, they are sitting on the ground. You wonder what the hold-up is, but you are ushered along [[into your own building]].

<<set $lunch = ["yes", "no" ] >> <<set $luncheat = $lunch.random()>> You only pack foods that aren't refrigerated so you do not need to use the shared fridge. You open your bag to grab your lunch. <<if $luncheat == "yes">> You grab it and [[eat in your office|office]]. <<elseif $luncheat =="no">> Oh no. In the stress of the morning you must have [[forgotten your lunch.|forgot]] <<endif>>

The 30-minute screeing protocols make it impossible for you to leave the building to get lunch. You cobble together some snacks from the back of your desk drawer. You will have to figure out what to do for dinner later. [[You don't have time now.|commitee meeting]]

Your graduate student has a committee meeting today. While your department has encouraged virtual meetings when possible, the Chair of this committee insisted that you return to business as usual. Since you aren't yet tenured, you reluctantly agreed, hoping your petition would be accepted. You enter the large lecture hall with masking tape in the shape of X's across chairs, indicating which seats must be left empty to ensure proper social distancing. You try to move along the edge of the room so that you keep as much distance as possible. You are worried about bringing coronavirus home to your family. You still wonder why your petition was denied. Over the course of the next hour, you are so impressed by your graduate student's [[poise and intellect]].

When you mention the mask policies, the committee Chair erupts in laughter. Your face gets hot. You look over at your graduate student who is in tears. Thankfully, another committee member steps in and [[ends the meeting|tea]].

When you pull your mask tighter, the Chair of the committee seems to take notice and extends a hand for a handshake. Your graduate student loudly gasps. You look over at your graduate student. Your face gets hot. Thankfully, another committee member steps in and [[ends the meeting|tea]].

Near the end of the committee meeting, you look over and notice the committee Chair is not wearing a mask. You try to hide your discomfort behind your own mask, but they ask you what's wrong. Do you [[mention the mask policies|policies]] or [[pull your mask tighter|pull mask]]?

After committee meetings, you always take your students out for coffee or tea. You know that committee meetings can be stressful so you usually highlight the best parts. Given the realities of covid-19, that is just not feasible. You schedule a Zoom meeting for tomorrow, but you wish you could console your student [[now]].

Your student has just emailed you to inform you that they may be late with their lab report. Your student is very apologetic, but they explain that the funeral is on Monday and they don't think they will have enough time. This is the second family member they have lost to covid-19. [[You start sobbing]].

You remain in the empty classroom until you've calmed down. You cannot imagine the grief your student is feeling. Once you feel ready, you grab your bag and head to your car. It's late and you're not used to being on campus at night. You're uncomfortable. Do you [[call Campus Security|security]] or [[hurry to your car|hurry]]?

In just a few minutes you're home. When you open the door, you are met with complete silence. <<if $career == "new">>The baby is asleep. You enter the dining room and make-shift home office to find your partner furiously typing. They explain that the baby was fussy. They barely got any work done. They will be up for hours. You feel guilty, but you're exhausted. You climb into [[bed]]. <<elseif $career == "old">>Your partner is asleep. You see the empty pill bottle on the counter and your stomach drops. You feel guilty, but you're exhausted. You climb into [[bed]]. <<endif>>

You wind your way to the largest lecture hall on campus. It takes twice as long because you can only use the elevators to go up and the stairs to go down and you can't be in the elevator at the same time as another person. You usually take the elevator anyway, for your arthritis, but now there is a lot more waiting involved. Once you make it to the classroom, you look around and see some students with their masks pulled down to expose their noses. Your campus utilizes Mask Police, though they call it something less overt. To preempt this, you begin every class session with a few slides about [[proper policies]].

While you're glad everyone is now wearing a mask properly, you are struggling to understand your students. You have high-frequency hearing loss. It makes it harder to determine words sometimes, so you often lipread. The inability to lipread means that your students need to repeat themselves multiple times before you can understand them. In the past, you've used a throwable wireless microphone so that students' voices were amplified. That microphone ball would act as a fomite and passing it around to students would ensure immediate spread of covid-19. After a few disastrous team-based strategies, you ask each student to work independently. With ten minutes left in class, you begin to call each student, one by one, to leave the room. You stagger their departures to prevent transmission. You've spent 15 minutes on covid-19 related policies. You need to check in with your [[graduate student]].

You have a Zoom meeting with a graduate student. They are nearing the end of their 5th year and do not have independent funding for next year. Your department requires one first-author publication before graduation and there are still experiments to be completed. Your student had a kidney transplant three years ago and is immunocompromised. They had hoped that the requirements for graduation could be altered, given the circumstances. You reached out to the department Chair and they are unwilling to [[bend the rules]].

The next day you wake up and take the baby for a stroll to the pharmacy to pick up your immunosuppressants. You notice that they are offering free covid-19 testing. You flinch as someone's eyes linger on you just a little too long. You remember the violence against Chinese folks at the start of the pandemic. You worry when you enter grocery stores and other public places. You wonder if this will be the time that that violence strikes you. You consider leaving, but you don't want to be unknowingly passing the virus to others. You [[get the test]].

It is October 5th, 2020. Data suggest covid-19 is spiking in some areas of the US, yet many universities have decided to remain open for face-to-face classes. You have been on campus for three weeks. You are a graduate student in the biology department at Most Distinguished University of the North. It is the beginning of another grueling week. You wanted to do your teaching and studies online. Instead, this is your day: • [[as an Indian national.|Visa holder]] or • [[as a fifth-generation New Yorker.|US citizen]]

<<set $location = "US">>You are one year shy of defending your dissertation at Most Distinguished University of the North. Your University has not committed to extending graduate student clocks or funding. You and your family in New York are constantly checking in. Your toddler has gotten very talkative and her nonna is constantly teaching her new songs on video calls. It is Monday - a new week begins. [[Your alarm goes off|feed baby]].

<<set $location = "international">>You are one year shy of defending your dissertation at Most Distinguished University of the North. Your University has not committed to extending graduate student clocks or funding. When covid-19 was moving rapidly across the world, India closed its borders to Indian citizens and others. You managed to get a flight back to India before the borders closed, though it cost you $2,000. It is Monday - a new week begins. [[Your phone buzzes|wake]].

Double-click this passage to edit it.

The noise wakes you and check your phone. It is 4:14am. The email is from your Department Chair. These emails from your University in the middle of the night are constant and disruptive but you worry that if you silence them, you'll miss something important. This email is addressed to you and acknowledges that you are in India. Surely they understand how time zones work, [[right|loa]]?

It takes 10 minutes, but it's important because some students have already been required to self-quarantine after contact tracing identified them as having potential exposure. Each day when you enter your class, you are unsure who will be there or when the last time they heard these policies. After your 10-minute introduction, you move to the actual [[course material]].

This morning is a college-wide faculty meeting led by the Provost. As with any other morning, your temperature is checked before you can enter the building. You file in and take a seat, which is flanked by two empty seats on either side. As more faculty enter, you realize that you do not see any higher-level administrators or executives. Eventually, a staff member approached the podium and [[clicks a few buttons|screen]].

On the screen appears the Provost. From all the town halls over the last 6 months you recognize that she is in her home office. She welcomes you and thanks you for attending. She explains that the University is so grateful for your cooperation and flexibility in teaching. She mentions that your cooperation is necessary - for the good of the students, and the survival of the University. Do you [[raise your hand|hand]] or [[sit in silence|sit]]?

The Provost replies that a team of experts and executives have reviewed the data and are sure that this is the best course of action. She thanks you for your continued cooperation. As she begins her concluding remarks, you notice a line of Campus Security Officers has entered the large auditorium. Your stomach drops. You wonder what could be [[next]].

The Provost's face is replaced by the University logo. A Campus Security Officer approaches the podium and informs you that you will all be required to undergo covid-19 testing today. Without any additional explanation, you are ushered into a line of your faculty colleagues. You wait in line for thirty minutes until it is [[your turn]].

<<if $testpositive == "yes">> You are shuttled into the longer of two lines. This feels dystopian. You are required to sign another waiver and are instructed to move your classes online. After a few minutes of confusion, you realize you must have tested positive. You wonder if they are avoiding actually saying the words to relieve themselves of any culpability. You see that the teacher who would serve as your "backup" in class is in this line as well. If you both get sick, [[who will teach your students?]] <<elseif $testpositive == "no">> You are shuttled into the shorter of two lines. This feels dystopian. They tell you that you have tested negative. You are required to sign another waiver and are instructed that you may remain teaching face-to-face. You look over to the longer line and you see the teacher who would serve as your "backup" in class. If you get sick, [[who will teach your students?]] <<endif>>

<<set $sick = ["yes", "yes", "no"]>><<set $testpositive = $sick.random()>> You and your partner argue. Finally, you agree that you will pick up the medication. You are not sure how you fit this into your schedule but you feel for your sick partner. You are still a little unnerved from the argument but you are grateful that they are flexible. You say goodbye, grab your bag, and [[head to the pharmacy|pharmacy]].

<<set $sick = ["yes", "no", "no"]>><<set $testpositive = $sick.random()>> You and your partner argue. Finally, you agree that you will order the medication. You could not imagine a way to fit a trip to the pharmacy into your schedule. You are still a little unnerved from the argument but you are grateful that they are flexible. You quickly try to order the medication via the [[computer]].

It is now evening and you have an additional class. You never teach classes this late and you are exhausted from trying to prepare all of your classes in three formats. As you boot your laptop to Zoom in the students who are taking the class from home, you realize that the internet in the classroom isn't working. Unfortunately, IT is not open this late. Students will be arriving to class shortly, but you don't know what to do. You hurriedly write an email on your phone to cancel class and hope it sends. You hang around in the classroom just in case anyone shows up. After about thirty minutes, as you are about to leave, your phone [[dings]].

<<set $stumbled = ["yes", "no" ] >> <<set $fall = $stumbled.random()>> <<if $fall == "yes">> You fall. On a better day, you might be okay, but you've been on your feet all day. Your throat catches. You get up and make your way to your. <<elseif $fall =="no">> You catch yourself. You imagine that a fall might have been devastating. Your throat catches. You make your way to your. <<endif>>

<<if $career == "new">>You slept through your alarm. You wake up and find your partner has taken the baby for a walk. You scramble to make it to [[campus|morning]]. <<elseif $career == "old">>You slept through your alarm. You wake up and find your partner is sick in the bathroom. You apologize, but you need to leave. You scramble to make it to [[campus|morning]]. <<endif>>

You head into the pharmacy to pick up your partner's medication. Thankfully, it's ready. You grab it and head to [[campus]].

It takes longer than it should, but you get the order in. You hope it makes it to your home soon. You say goodbye, grab your bag, and [[head to campus|campus]].

You wanted to take all your classes online. But the Board of Trustees met and decided that residential instruction was too important. So the Chancellor wrote a nicely-worded letter about the importance of students to the University. And the Deans Tweeted about the teaching mission of the University. And the Department Chairs have measured 6-foot distances between chairs in classrooms. And the Professors have altered their active-learning plans. And the Graduate Student Instructors have not been consulted. For the good of the students, they won't let you teach all your classes online. But what about you? Resources and guidance: Accessible Campus Action Alliance: [[Beyond "High Risk":Statement on Disability and Campus Re-openings|https://sites.google.com/view/accesscampusalliance]]

Unfortunately Campus Security has limited availability due to covid-19. They instruct you to be careful and wish you luck. With your eyes darting all around, you hurry to your [[car]].

With your eyes darting all around, you hurry to your [[car]].

You raise your hand. You ask to see the data supporting this [[assertion]].

You sit in uncomfortable silence. Then a colleague asks to see the data supporting this [[assertion]].

Your student must return to lab to complete experiments so that they can graduate. To obtain an additional year of funding, your student could serve as a TA, but that would require on-campus teaching. Your student bursts into tears. You promise that you will figure something out. You make a plan to ask for alternatives and then you schedule a follow-up meeting. You look up and it's already [[noon|lunchtime]].

You clean up the high-chair and place the toddler on the floor. Once she's busy with her toys you scroll through your [[new emails]].

In the first message, your therapist confirms your next meeting will be in two months. With so many therapists out sick and an increase in patient acute care needs, you will spend the next two months without mental health care. In the second message, your supervisor and their supervisor have both been instructed to work remotely. As the most experienced Teaching Assistant, you are now in charge of the other TAs. You are instructed to report to campus within the hour. Your partner has not yet returned from lab. In the third message, you are informed that in your new role as lead Teaching Assistant, you will be responsible for managing Teaching Assistant and student PPE. You need to collect and count the remaining PPE before class. These emails are [[exhausting.]]

You realize you don't have much time to get to campus. While working remotely, you can put the toddler in her playpen and keep her safe for about thirty minutes at a time. This allows you to get some work done. As a single parent, you have had to enroll your toddler in daycare, even though you are worried about her covid-19 exposure. She has asthma and you have psoriasis. Between her steroid treatments for her lungs and your immunosuppressive medications, you both are at higher risk. Unfortunately, your University was very slow to determine disability accommodation policies. When they finally shared their policy, your University required labs to be taught face-to-face, so you had the option to take an unpaid leave of absence or teach the introductory lab course. You can't afford to go a whole year without pay. You are forced to put your health and your toddler's health at risk to secure your [[Teaching Assistant stipend]].

You open the email to see that your University is reaching out because you have an overdue bill from the summer semester for USD$200 and they are requesting that you pay this bill immediately. Annoyed, you [[start your day|something]].

Now that you're awake, it's hard to go back to sleep. You start the day the same way you start every morning, just a little earlier today. You've done this every morning since you arrived in India in March, except you used to check the flights back to the US. Do you [[read the number of covid-19 cases in the US|US2]], or [[check the covid-19 website for your University|Uni2]]?

You read the news that covid-19 cases have been spiking, especially in your college town. An unnamed source says that the biology department is hiding cases. Before you can finish that news article, your phone [[dings repeatedly|repeatedly]].

After the overwhelming news, you begin your daily job search. Given your pre-diabetic condition, you are likely at high-risk for covid-19 adverse outcomes. The only feasible job opportunities for you are online and you'd like to do something that works toward your research goals. You [[look for research jobs online|research]].

Just like it was in the spring, the University website is confusing and slow to update. Instructions for quarantining after onset of symptoms or a positive test result are unclear. You are required to alert the University when you test positive, but there is no information about this process. The options for remote work seem inconsistent for US citizens and impossible for international students. Throughout this long process, it has seemed like students at the University have provided more information to the University than they have received. Before you can search the page, your phone [[dings repeatedly|repeatedly]].

You find a promising job ad in the field of science writing. Your responsibilities would be to read new science articles about covid-19 and summarize them in plain language. The qualifications section clearly requires that you are currently affiliated with a University. Since you are on a leave of absence, you worry if that qualifies you. Do you [[write an application|app]] or [[continue your search|search]]?

You find a job ad at the McDonald's within the nearest mall. This mall is a 45-minute drive from your parents' home. The job ad specifically says that PPE will not be provided and that you will be required to interact with hundreds of people each day. You will make US$9.75 per hour and you are not guaranteed healthcare or any benefits. Given your health concerns, you worry that this is not a good fit. Do you [[apply for this job|mcd]] or [[give up]]?

These emails from the University are never helpful. You arrived in India in March 2020 and have remained here ever since. Just after you arrived in India, the government stopped allowing flights to and from the US, so you were unable to return to the US by July 31st. July 31st was your University's deadline for return. Since you missed it, your University placed you on an unpaid leave of absence. You roll your eyes as you open the [[email|email2]].

<<set $job= "research" >> You spend three hours researching the company, writing the perfect cover letter, and polishing your CV. You describe the numerous awards you've won for posters and presentations. You mention your excellent teaching evaluations and connect those to your communication skills. You even highlight that you made your lab's website. You agonize over every word and finally hit [[submit]].

You spend three more hours searching for research jobs. You find one that requires experience with microbiology, immunology, neuroscience, zebrafish, zebrafinches, and chimpanzees. The research would require you to enter a local hospital each day, would provide no PPE, and the pay is roughly equivalent to $25,000 US dollars, which is less than you would be making at your University. The position seems like it's not a good match, given your health. You pass on this job opportunity and close your laptop in [[frustration|submit]].

You realize you never ate this morning. You wander to the kitchen and make coffee and toast. You pick up your coffee and sigh. Your mug from your alma mater is still sitting in your apartment in the US. It's your favorite mug because it reminds you of late night study sessions with your best friend. That mug is back in the US with all of your belongings, in an apartment for which you are still paying rent. Your phone buzzes and you [[check your email again|again]].

<<set $job = "mcd">> You struggle to describe how your skills with Western blots and DNA squencing translate to your responsibilities at McDonald's. You mention the numerous awards you've won for posters and presentations. You describe your excellent teaching evaluations and connect those to your communication skills. You even highlight that you made your lab's website. You wonder if the person reading this application will care about these very niche skills and awards. You agonize over every word and finally hit [[submit]].

Exhausted from the job search, you just give up. You'll have to figure out some other way to [[contribute financially|submit]].

A student from your intro bio lab last spring has been emailing you with questions. She's struggling in her genetics course and really needs the extra help. You haven't had the heart to tell her that you're not currently getting paid as a Teaching Assistant, so you've been helping her out anyway. In her email, she asks you to Zoom to work through a problem. Do you [[Zoom with her|Zoom]] or [[explain the answer in writing|explain]]?

You agree to Zoom with her and spend well over an hour working through the problem together. You ask her what would happen if one of her assumptions about dominance is incorrect. She gasps. You are so proud when you see the answer click for her and you see how excited she is, too. She thanks you and signs off. You try to pick up where you left off in your job search, but you realize it's the 5th - [[rent is due]]!

You write her an email to clarify the problem. She responds with an unclear question. You write her an email to clarify the problem, again. She responds with an incorrect answer. You write her an email to ask about her process. She responds with an incorrect assumption about dominance. You ask her what would happen if one of her assumptions about dominance is incorrect. She responds with the correct answer and a thank you. While you enjoy this, you miss seeing the momeny of clarity come over your student's face. You try to pick up where you left off in your job search, but you realize it's the 5th - [[rent is due]]!

Luckily, your parents are letting you live in their house rent-free. You realize how fortunate you are that that is the case. You know another colleague who frequently sends money home to his family. You wonder how he's doing. You're still paying rent on your apartment in the US because you couldn't get a subletter during a global pandemic. Even if you could, you wouldn't want your roommate to be exposed to a potentially infected person. So you continue paying 1/3 of your monthly stipend on an apartment half a world away. You set up the payment and [[start your work]].

You've been working on a review paper. You aren't getting paid for this research, but you do it because you are worried about having a gap in your CV. Your colleagues who remained in the US won't have that gap, so you are attempting to write at least two review articles this year to stand out. You open your Word document and think about how it has been challenging to do this research at home, but you've persevered. When you got sick in September, the Indian government required you to send hourly selfies with a geolocation tag to confirm that you were remaining at home. At the time, this seemed extreme, but looking at what is unfolding the US, you understand the motivation. You hear your email [[chime]].

You and your US-citizen labmate email frequently. You are great friends and miss her dearly. She tells you that her psoriasis is flaring up. You sigh. You both know what it's like to be in bodies that constantly hurt. You feel for her - because she's on immunosuppressants, she hasn't left her apartment since March. Seven long months in her tiny apartment. You also have a pang of jealousy - she is working remotely and has not been forced to take a leave of absence. The University would not even consider your situation and let you work remotely, even with documentation of your mobility issues. You get choked up. It's all just so unfair. Do you [[respond to her email]] or [[ignore it]]?

<<set $email = "sent">>You spend an hour crafting a response that balances your concerns for her with appreciation for your friendship with her. Many of your colleagues have been very wrapped up in their own worries that they've forgotten about you. You've offered to help with data analysis so that you can co-author a paper, but your colleagues were not interested. You finish the email and send it out, feeling [[dejected]].

<<set $email = "unsent">>You ignore the email. She's gotten through flares before, she'll get through this one. You really need to get back to your work. You go back to your Word document, [[dejected]].

You pull up your current review paper, which is coming along nicely. Your mentor has been helpful, meeting with you via Zoom as often as you need to. She did everything she could to prevent your forced leave of absence, but the University resisted, citing "Federal Regulations" which you are nearly positive is code for "higher tax burdens for the University." Your phone [[dings again]].

You glance at your phone. It is a message from the US embassy in India. You scramble to open it on your computer. Since you have taken a forced leave of absence, your Visa has been revoked. The embassy remained closed in India for the first 6 months, but just reopened. You need to start making arrangements to get a new Visa. You read the email and [[follow the instructions]].

You spend 3 hours reading and following the instructions, gathering your documents, updating your travel history, and navigating the confusing labyrinth of website pages. Unfortunately, you can't submit, because you don't have a travel itinerary planned. It's now well after lunchtime. You're hungry, tired, and frustrated. You begin to [[sob]].

Your phone beeps. It's an email from your University. They are inquiring about your plans for spring 2020. They want to know if you will be back on campus to teach the introductory biology lab. Your forced leave of absence resulted in your loss of the University Health Insurance Plan for the entire year. You cannot opt in just for the spring. If you return, you will have no health insurance on campus for the spring semester during a global pandemic. Even if you did have health insurance, your University's policy excluded covid-19-related healthcare expenses from being covered, anyway. But you have a disorder that affects your joints and collagen. You need frequent visits and physical therapy. Overwhelmed by your unbelievable choices, you [[cry again]].

You return to your review paper. You pick up where you left off and search around for a citation. Your phone dings. It's your brother, writing from his undergraduate University in the US. His University went all-online in the fall to protect students and faculty. Due to the ICE regulations, he was forced to transfer to another University to maintain his Visa status. He's been struggling with the transition, especially without his friends. You remember how lonely he was when he was forced to quarantine for the first two weeks in isolation. He asks you how you are, and you don't have the heart to tell him you're struggling. You write him a quick email with lots of smiling emojis and get back to [[work]].

With all this going on, you just cannot focus. You think back to last spring, when you taught the introductory biology lab remotely. There were no federal regulations preventing you from teaching lab then, when your University desperately needed another set of hands to help manage the chaos of sudden remote teaching. You close the Word document, exhausted. Your phone [[buzzes again]].

Your job application has been rejected. You are nearly finished with your PhD. You have no job, no health insurance, no way to finish your PhD, and no support from your University. Even once the pandemic is over, it will take time to get a new Visa. While all your stuff and money reside in the US, it's likely that you will not be able to return. Your career in the US is over. You start [[sobbing]].

You wanted to do your teaching and studies remotely. But the Board of Trustees met and decided that residential instruction was too important. So the Chancellor wrote a nicely-worded letter about the importance of students to the University. And the Deans Tweeted about the teaching mission of the University. And the Department Chairs have measured 6-foot distances between chairs in classrooms. And the [[Professors|https://caitkirby.com/downloads/October1st2020.html]] have altered their active-learning plans to accommodate multiple plans for Fall. And the [[Graduate Student Instructors|https://caitkirby.com/downloads/October5th2020.html]] have not been consulted. And the [[Undergraduate Students|https://caitkirby.com/downloads/Fall%202020.html]] are worried about returning. And the [[Staff|https://caitkirby.com/downloads/October12th2020.html]] are keeping it all together. For the good of the students, they won't let you do your teaching and studies remotely. But what about you? Resources and guidance: [[Accessible Campus Action Alliance: Beyond "High Risk":Statement on Disability and Campus Re-openings|https://sites.google.com/view/accesscampusalliance]] [[A collection of petitions for safer campuses in Fall 2020|https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1RJp3UnavXS_aWPBrxMtyK8U7sveI9dvynZKomGztwJk/edit?usp=sharing]] [[Chris Marsicano's Twitter thread of actions to take against the ICE #StudentBan|https://twitter.com/ChrisMarsicano/status/1280334446844162050]]

You read the news that covid-19 cases have been spiking, especially in your college town. An unnamed source says that the biology department is hiding cases. You don't spend too long reading this article, you need to apply for [[jobs]].

Just like it was in the spring, the University website is confusing and slow to update. Instructions for quarantining after onset of symptoms or a positive test result are unclear. You are required to alert the University when you test positive, but there is no information about this process. The options for remote work seem inconsistent for US citizens and impossible for international students. Throughout this long process, it has seemed like students at the University have provided more information to the University than they have received. You don't spend too long reading this article, you need to apply for [[jobs]].

After dropping off your toddler, you get to campus and head to the lab classroom. Someone has left you typed instructions for your new role. You are shocked that you aren't even given the opportunity to ask questions. Underneath the instructions is an opened box of face shields and paper gowns plus two boxes of gloves. The instructions inform you that this should last you the week. You look to the whiteboard on the wall with the schedule of lab sections and students. You quickly do the math - 12 students per section multiplied by 4 simultaneous sections per day multipled by 5 days. That's almost 250 students. There is not even enough PPE for [[10 students]].

You understand. Only the Teaching Assistants get PPE. You cringe. You know that masks and face shields work best when worn by the infected person. In a class of 12 students without PPE, if one student has covid-19, every student will have covid-19. You don your mask, faceshield, paper gown, gloves, and goggles, and get to work [[setting up the lab]].

You realize that you don't have enough microscopes on this floor. Do you [[go get more microscopes from another lab]] or [[search for disinfectant wipes so students can share microscopes]]?

You search for more microscopes for an hour. You run up and down the stairs 14 times carrying a heavy microscope each time. Your arms and legs are burning. Your face shield fogs up. You come up short. Lab equipment is so expensive that students always need to share and there just aren't enough microscopes. You need [[disinfectant wipes]].

You search in all the cabinets in the teaching lab, but they've been picked through already. Did the University not plan for this? You grab some alcohol from the flammables hood and a stack of paper towels. You'll have to make your own wipes. But there isn't enough alcohol, you'll need [[more microscopes|disinfectant wipes]].

An hour later, you have microscopes and materials for homemade disinfectant wipes using alcohol and paper towels. Intro bio lab begins at 1pm. You still need to prepare the samples the students will be visualizing under the microscope. You realize you haven't checked your email in [[hours]].

Two students have emailed to say that they have symptoms of covid-19. The syllabus includes an attendance policy which requires absences be made up within the week. They wonder if they should still attend class. One TA has emailed that they are running late. Due to the uncertainty of the pandemic, they ended their lease and moved back home with their parents an hour away. They explain that their commute is now an hour each way without traffic. They will need you to cover their section for the first 20 minutes or so. Given the lack of information and clarity and your lack of training for this situation, you just agree to [[cover the beginning of their secton]].

You have an hour until class begins. You need to eat lunch and use the bathroom. Since you only get one set of PPE per day, you carefully peel off your PPE and leave it in the lab prep room. You take a restroom break and then head to the break room to [[grab your lunch]].

When you enter the breakroom you see one of the other Teaching Assistants eating their lunch. You left your mask with the rest of your PPE and the other Teaching Assistant isn't wearing one while eating. Do you [[grab your lunch|grab your lunch 2]] or [[leave without eating]]?

You don't think it's worth the risk to go into the breakroom without PPE. You worry that you'll be hungry during lab, but you can't waste time now. With only 15 minutes left until class, you head back to the [[lab classroom]].

You hold your breath and grab your lunch. The other TA tries to talk to you. Nervous, you rush out the door and eat it while standing up in the hallway. With only 15 minutes left until class, you head back to the [[lab classroom]].

You enter the classroom and see that a group of students have already arrived. Four students without masks are crowded around one lab bench. One of them found a cool looking leaf outside and they want to view it under the microscope. You are thrilled by their curiosity but you panic because they are so close together. You still aren't wearing a mask. Do you [[instruct them to separate and put on masks]] or [[hurry to get your own PPE]]?

There are 6 large lab benches between you and the students. You shout that they need masks, with your hand covering your mouth. They are not in your section and don't recognize you. They tell you that they're not worried. They say that if it were unsafe to be in the classroom without a mask, surely the University would not permit them to be in the classroom. They point out that you're not wearing a mask. Frustrated, you leave to go put on your [[PPE]].

You snake between large lab benches and other laboratory equipment, staying as far from the students as possible. You hold your breath the whole length of the room, unsure if it even matters. You hurry over to get your own [[PPE]].

You layer your PPE on again - paper gown, mask, face shield, goggles, gloves. You haven't seen this much PPE since your toddler was born. It feels unbelievable that you'd be wearing this to teach students. You enter the classroom and try to make small talk with the students in your section. You are glad that students in your section are wearing masks. [[At first, they don't even recognize you]].

Since the simultaneous sections take place in the same room, the other Teaching Assistants report to the same classroom. You show them where the PPE is. You identify which section belongs to the late Teaching Assistant and you introduce yourself to those students. The section you are covering for is on the other side of the room. Do you [[ask those students to relocate to be closer to your section]] or [[travel back and forth between the two sections until the other Teaching Assistant arrives]]?

You ask those students to relocate to move nearer your students. It requires relocation of more than half the students in the classroom. While most are wearing masks, not all are. When you instruct them to put on masks, they ignore you as they don't understand that you are now the authority figure. You start the lesson. Students will use razors to dissect a flower to view under the microscope. This is always a stressful activity. Last year a student cut their finger and needed stitches. You try to convey the importance of safety through your mask and face shield to 24 students simultaneously. To hear any of the student questions or look at any of the student microscopes, you need to get within 2 feet of someone else. You are never practicing social distancing in this classroom, it's just not possible. Overwhelmed, you start to panic. Normally, you could ask another Teaching Assistant to watch your section while you get some air, but you're so short-staffed as it is. You start counting your breathing. 1, 2, 3, 4. 1, 2, 3, 4 Luckily, the late Teaching Assistant [[arrives]].

You start the lesson. Students will use razors to dissect a flower to view under the microscope. This is always a stressful activity. Last year a student cut their finger and needed stitches. You try to convey the importance of safety through your mask and face shield to 12 students on one side of the room and 12 students on the other side of the room, simultaneously. To hear any of the student questions or look at any of the student microscopes, you need to get within 2 feet of someone else. You are never practicing social distancing in this classroom, it's just not possible. Overwhelmed, you start to panic. Normally, you could ask another Teaching Assistant to watch your section while you get some air, but you're so short-staffed as it is. You start counting your breathing. 1, 2, 3, 4. 1, 2, 3, 4 Luckily, the late Teaching Assistant [[arrives]].

The late Teaching Assistant thanks you for covering for them. They rush to put on their PPE and return. They cover your section for a few minutes while you get some air. You head to the storage room and carefully remove your PPE. You check your phone and see a missed call and a voice mail. You check the voice mail: your toddler's day care has to close early because one of the teachers tested positive for covid-19. You have one hour to pick up your toddler. You scramble to put on your PPE and share the news with your Teaching Assistant colleagues. They agree to cover your section and you pass your PPE responsibilities onto someone else. You remove your PPE again, wash your hands, grab your phone and go to pick up your [[toddler]].

You call the University daycare and ask if your toddler can come in early today as it's an emergency. They agree, but will charge you double the typical rate for the extra few hours. You complain, but they cite additional cleaning policies. Frustrated, you agree. You pack up the little one, throw together a lunch for yourself, and drop her off at [[daycare]].

You park outside of the daycare and get in line six feet away from the nearest parent. After thirty minutes, you finally reach the front of the line and scoop up your toddler. The teacher uses hand sanitizer after handing your little one over to you. You ask what time you can drop off your daughter tomorrow. The teacher answers that the toddler should be in a mandatory 14-day quarantine and since you're her parent, you should, too. You take the toddler and buckle her into her carseat. You quickly tap out an email to your supervisor and wonder if there are any Teaching Assistants left to cover for you tomorrow. You can't get sick - the University health insurance is no longer covering covid-19-related expenses. You start [[sobbing]].